Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

I’m sure it’s fine.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

oh you wanna fight?!

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.