him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.