him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Let’s Go
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.