Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Maths meets science

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!