Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.