Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
You Might Also Like
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.