Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]