Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
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If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.