Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”![]()
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“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)