Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I’m about to risk it all
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!