Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?