Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

🤣😈🤣

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less