Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

Always

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation