Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]