Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
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[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.