Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

mandolin: finally a violin for men

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Care for your back

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy