Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.