Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal