Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
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Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Important reminders
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!