Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

it was love at first sight

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.