Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

aesthetic

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.