Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.