Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.