Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
“You’d better run, egg!”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
LA today:
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.