Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
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Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
58.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.