Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

God making man in his image was the original selfie

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping