Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

Limited budget

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Always

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits