Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.