Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon