Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
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Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey