Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
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me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
No Google it does not
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
hmmmmmm
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.