Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

Remember folks 😂

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you