“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
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Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
britain’s three elite institutions
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?