Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest