Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

This is a bad sign

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.