Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
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I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Cats (2019)
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”