“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
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Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
listen closely
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.