“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
