Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

Mike is short for Micycle

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.