“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
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[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down