Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
12. I think about this all the damn time
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!