Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
This cat wants you to take your pills
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”