Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Maths meets science

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”