Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
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Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
😂😂😂
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
i was baptized in a car wash
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.