Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

Wait for it

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

“you changed” bro i was 15

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings