Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?