Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

shampoo implies shampee

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*