HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
i wish i could marry a nap
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire