*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I see your IQ test came back negative
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.