*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
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Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole