Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
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Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas