Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it