Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
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Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.