@GoldenSpirals

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

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@OldUncleDaveO

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

@AGreaterMonster

I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

@OreoSpeedwagon_

After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.

@sirmunchie

My ex wife claims I have “commitment issues” like I didn’t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.

@JNalv

I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy

@asimplesean

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

@pizzajaynow

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.