Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
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A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
This could be us… but you playing
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…