Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever