Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Customer is always right

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.