Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.