@SkinnerSteven

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

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@jwoodham

It’s oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents’ Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.

@dafloydsta

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

@shamans_heal

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

@karlkovacs

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

@LeahsLounge

Her: Ok you hang up.

Him: No, you hang up first.

Her: No, you first.

Him: No, you first.

NSA: Both of you hang up.

@handsock_butts

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

@pilau

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

@Cravin4

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

@Death_Buddy

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

@Gupton68

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.