HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
me adding lol on a serious message
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat