Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.