Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

No selfies while hijacking a train.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

oh she’s cooked

I have so many questions.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.