Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”