Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Happy thanksgiving!

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

This is a genius move

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

The legends speak of a third Duran…

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots