Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

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[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.