Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
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[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Good morning ☺️
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.