Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.