[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
#ProTip
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to